The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Gas, Ass & Brain Feeling Class

Dear patient log, 

I’ve lived a long and enlightened life, thankful for my cosmic energy and the wondrous universe working through me to make the right decisions. The stars have been my shepherd, the spirits have been my healers, and the herbs have been Mother Nature’s greatest gift unto me. Now, after many nights of sensing the auras of struggling individuals and guiding them down a path of harmony, I think it’s time to share the advice the Universe has given me and serve out the love and guidance I have had the honour of receiving in my long and perfect life.

Disclaimer: Daphne Otterman, or ‘Tru Happiness’ to her friends, is an 86-year-old widow fascinated with astrology, horoscopes, and herbal remedies. Any advice given is ill-advised as it may make ill those advised. 

Question: Dear Doctor, I always seem to get bad gas whenever I eat any dairy or wheat but I don’t believe in modern medicine. What could be the cause? 

Answer: Your energy darling, it’s always your energy. Throughout the Universe, everything has an energy, living or inanimate, and certain energies cannot possibly harmonise with each other with ease. It is when these energies are unbalanced that our bodies have negative reactions such as the accidental flatulence and, even in extreme cases, as far as death. My advice is to avoid all dairy and wheat, and if you must consume it, meditate for at least 15 minutes with the item in your lap to bring about harmonising your cosmic rays. You’ll know when you have done enough.

Question: Dear Doctor, I’ve been in a loving relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years, but I feel repulsed by the idea of having sex with him, is there anything I could do?

Answer: Darling, what star-sign are you? This is vital information! Is he a Scorpio or possibly a Taurus? Have you even checked to see if your star-signs are compatible? Judging from your question, you feel like a Libra and the fact your sexual energy has not awoken inside you must hint to a bigger cosmological fault. If the stars have not foretold it then it can never possibly work, and your lack of sexual chemistry could be the stars working through you. End this relationship, go on a journey of self-discovery and find yourself a Leo, because that’s one kitty you won’t ever be able to stop petting.

Question: Dear Doctor, I need glasses but I can’t afford them and so I often get headaches. Is there a way I can work around this? 

Answer: Dear dear child, I understand your pain, money is the bane of existence and this world is an ugly world. Feel glad you are blinded to its ways. With headaches, there are many wonderful herbal remedies that will always work. Lavender is one I highly recommend, however, if you’re like me, it might remind you of my dead husband Patrick and that will only give you an even worse headache. Another such method you may wish to consider is smelling salts, their beautiful aromas often have such healing qualities. However, an alternative salt called ‘Bath Salts’ sold by my young neighbour Gared does not work in the same way. I was rather disappointed when he sold me some a couple of weeks ago because they smelt of absolutely nothing and did no healing whatsoever despite being rather expensive. Plus, after I sniffed them to cure a headache, I’m pretty sure I saw Patrick again, which couldn’t have been right. No, stick to cheaper aromatic ones, they will be your healers.

Have any questions of your own? Email pause@wessexscene.co.uk to have your queries answered by our in-school professional.