People always ask me how I can be so romantically enchanting when absolutely nothing about me is remotely attractive. For a long time, I promised to keep my first-date moves to myself so as not to put myself in competition with other admirers, especially if they’re actually good-looking.
However, since I remain unscathed in this flirty, dirty, dance of dating, literally shouldering through crowds of people who have been bewitched by my unwavering sexual magnetism, it may be time to bestow my wisdom unto the masses. So, what are my secrets? How have I so effortlessly mastered the art of attraction? My friends, from one ugly person to another (yes, you are), you are asking the wrong question.
The art of distraction is an occult craft known only by those who need it most. Only a few among us with limp handshakes, awkward smiles, and mediocre talents have been included in this esoteric science until now. How can your date find you unattractive if they haven’t noticed you? When you don’t allow any unimpressive feature of your looks or your personality to come to light, you can’t be reproached for it. With a simple sleight of hand remark, a well thought out outfit, or a little bit of confidence, that date of yours will have no idea who they just shared two hours with (which in your case is a good thing!). So, here are my top 3 tips on how to get them to call you back, without being fully confident as to why:
1) Only talk about your date.
People love nothing more than to let you into their quirky little worlds, which has always been convenient for me because my world only seems to inspire drowsiness and torpor. They don’t want to know that you collect rocks on the weekends; no one wants to know that you collect rocks on the weekends; they want you to know that they collect rocks on the weekends. Ask them about their job, how they make their hair look like that, how they feel about the weather. This not only makes you a great listener but the realisation that they still don’t know a single thing about you will shroud you in mystique, making you irresistible.
2) Wear camouflage.
It’s all too easy to mismatch colours, forget your coat, or dishevel yourself to the point where your outfit ruins the entire night. My solution has always been to have as little of an outfit as possible without breaking the law (there’s nothing sexy about crime). Blending into your surroundings will take some of the judgment off your physical appearance as you will be one with the trees on your woodland walk, one with the tables and counters at the bar, one with the sofa for your movie night in (best invite them to your house for this.) This ambiguity about your actual appearance will create a veil of sensuality that your date can press but never pierce.
3) Learn magic tricks
Your flat jokes and unfortunate breath will be no match for a bunch of flowers that… came out of their ear?!?! They will not have time to focus on your subpar conversation skills and unfortunate choice of perfume when a deck of cards is gracefully flying across you as if independent from your command. Everybody wants a little bit of magic on their date, and what could be more magical than defying what they know about the laws of logic?
Practise this lifestyle with responsibility and grace for many hearts will be broken as you weave your way through a myriad of people with a newfound thirst that will never be quenched.
Read the magazine here.
