It happens to us all: one minute you’re cool as a crisp, the next there’s a raging inferno engulfing your backside. This guide will help you spot the signs that your pants are on fire.

Number one:

You’re a filthy, filthy liar. The old saying ‘Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!’ doesn’t come from nowhere. Granted, the odd lie here and there will not have any effect, but if you lie continuously for an extended period of time the gravity of your porkie-pies will eventually become too much for the universe to handle; as the very fabric of the universe cries out in pain, the very fabric of your underwear will be left with no choice but to combust.

Number two:

You’ve sat on a campfire. You idiot, you’re supposed to sit around the fire, not on it. Now your pants are on fire.

Number three:

You’re American. You thought you were being clever spraying your pants with flame retardant, unfortunately for you, we call those things trousers. While you were busy facepalming at your mistake we snuck behind you and set your underwear on fire! Normally the act of being American would not be a cause for your pants to ignite, you were just unfortunate enough to have been in our presence.

Number four:

You’ve been struck by lightning. They may tell you that lightning never strikes twice but they conveniently forget to tell you about the ever-burning fire it starts in your pants. That s**t hurts and it will certainly continue to hurt afterwards (especially when you’re hard at work on the toilet). Frankly, it was more likely to happen than winning the lottery so don’t try to spin this into a tale of luck.

Number five:

Your tumble dryer caught fire. You neglected to clean your filter, now you have a fire. Your house is also on fire. Luckily, only your pants in the dryer caught fire, unfortunately, if you don’t get out of your burning house, the ones you’re wearing will be on fire too.

Number six:

You’ve been the victim of a flamethrower attack. You were probably in the wrong place at the wrong time but now is not the time to speculate, your pants are on fire so stop, drop, and roll like your life depends on it because it probably does.

Number seven:

Your hotpants got too hot. You may have thought all those people telling you you looked hot were complimenting you, but in reality, they were trying to warn you. The hotter your hotpants got the more people would try to warn you but unfortunately your ego was too big to consider that they might have meant anything different. So, eventually, the inevitable happened and your underwear ignited.

Of course, this list is non-exhaustive and there are many ways, some of which have yet to be discovered, in which your pants can end up on fire.