Disclaimer: The views expressed within this article are entirely the author’s own and are satirical in nature. They are not attributable to Wessex Scene as a whole.
In this time of national crisis, it’s truly heartwarming to see the outpouring of love and support for the unparalleled National Health Service here in the UK. Drawing inspiration from politicians, celebrities and social media personalities, here are a few ways that you as an individual can protect our beloved NHS.
Stay Alert
Drink 11 cups of coffee per day. Grow eyes on the back of your head and keep them peeled. Only sleep between the hours of 3 am and 7 am. Stay alert. For what? We’re still not sure – just stay alert.
Partake in the 8 pm Thursday clap
Clap. Keep clapping until your hands are red and raw and bleeding. Clap until the sound of your support reaches the ears of God himself. Bang your pots and pans until you perspire and morale is stretched skyward like the Tower of Babel. Maybe then the government will listen and provide. Bonus points if you film it.
Share a post of Captain Tom Moore with the caption “<3”
We’ve all heard the heartwarming story of Captain Tom Moore; a former British Army Officer dragging himself in interminable loops around his front garden before his 100th birthday to raise the funds for the NHS that the government has failed to provide. A symbol of the transfer of responsibility from the politicians that swore to protect this country to individual citizens desperate to protect their countrymen’s lives and safety. Share this story with a little heart emoji to brighten up everyone’s day!
Do what Boris tells you.
Stay at home, but don’t stay at home. Work from home, but only if you can; otherwise don’t work from home, but make sure not to use public transport. Or do use public transport. Don’t meet up with people, or do, but at a distance. And only meet with one person (but this doesn’t apply if you’re with someone from your household, or maybe if they’re with someone else from their household, or maybe if they’re with multiple people from their household, or maybe if you’re with multiple people from your household). Also, only some of this applies to some parts of the UK.
Got it?
Trust the government
The government always wants what’s best for us. After all, occupying a place of authority in a country is all about taking care of people before profit. They’ve certainly handled the situation well so far. After all, England only has the second-highest death toll in the world and the Prime Minister has reassured us that 30,000 deaths do not constitute a catastrophe. A country so passionate about looking after its people is bound to be pouring the necessary funds and resources into caring for the health of its citizens. Trust them, they definitely know what they’re doing.
NB: Things like taking part in the weekly clap for the NHS or showing your support on social media are fantastic ways of raising awareness of the heroic deeds of our frontline workers and the problems they are facing in the current pandemic. However, these actions provide nothing but lip service unless they are accompanied by practical support. To find out more about how you can help our NHS, visit some of the websites listed below. In the meantime, stay at home and don’t listen to Boris Johnson.
https://www.nhscampaign.org/get-involved-2/action-checklist.html
https://www.england.nhs.uk/2020/03/your-nhs-needs-you-nhs-call-for-volunteer-army/
https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/about-the-nhs/get-involved-in-the-nhs/
