Environmental activists and Southampton locals alike are left in confusion and disarray to find that the beloved River Itchen has changed colour from its classic quail-grey to deep crimson.
The cause remains uncertain, but the leading theory seems to be the mass contamination by the blood of angry men during these incendiary times. A bitter scent of beer wafting around nearby neighbourhoods has accompanied this occurrence; this has sparked a debate between the MPs of Itchen and Test as to whether the stench resembles that of Fosters or Stella Artois.
When exploring the possibility of a dramatic prank with red food-colouring, Gary from Test (56) expressed his adamance that his rage and that of his male peers are the root behind the unfamiliar sanguine shades in the river. When asked to expand on the method through which he managed to achieve this feat, he cryptically answered ‘just sick of it.’ We received similar answers from a diverse range of people, the only characteristic uniting them was the fact that they were disgruntled men between the ages of 37 and 58.
The way in which the river was so heavily polluted remains unclear, but investigators are leaning more towards some sort of satanic blood-letting ritual in which men of all walks of life collectively express their frustrations. Some journalists inquired as to whether there was a malfunction with the sewage systems to explain the ominous hue, but this lead was fruitless as most toilet drains in Hampshire are blocked with disposable facemasks (this was another expression of anger by disenchanted men).
Perhaps the most unusual element of this is that these men are not united in the cause of their anger. Some have come forward, having contributed to the dyeing of the water. Richard from Itchen (44) was expressing his disdain for the restrictions of the lockdown, whereas Simon from Portswood (39) was protesting the laxing of the same restrictions. Paul from Ocean Village (52) protested the statue of a former slave owner being thrown in this river (there is no evidence to support this claim), and Steve from Bedford Place (45) was simply in the car with Simon at the time.
All aquatic sports have been prohibited for the time being and all wildlife has been removed. Updates will be provided in due course.
