The Dissolute Doctor Diaries: Turn the Ve-Can’t into the Vegan

Dear patient log,

I’m young and the epitome of good health, and let me tell you why. I’m a Vegan. I don’t bring up being a vegan much in conversation, because me being a vegan is just me enjoying life. I love animals and think they deserve to live and the fact I’m a vegan asserts that as a truth, because you CAN’T say you like animals if you eat them. My veganism has led me to a healthy life. I break like four bones a year and they heal in five weeks instead of the usual six; when I catch the seasonal flu all I get is the sniffles; and my frequent migraines only last like 20 minutes. So yeah, I’m healthy and I’m going to show you how veganism is the cure to all your ailments (medically and morally).

Disclaimer: April Mai is a 22-year-old ‘health guru’ who, in case you missed it, is a vegan and “cares” very much about animals, almost as much as she cares about telling you she’s a vegan. Any advice given is ill-advised as it may make ill those advised. 

Question: Dear Doctor, I’ve got a life-threatening condition that’s treatable with medicine that used animal testing years ago. That’s okay, right? The medicine has been around for over fifty years!

Answer: Wow. Imagine thinking your life is more important than another living creature’s. What’s it like being so conceited? How do you sleep at night? Let’s forget about slavery because it happened so long ago – that’s what you’re saying, right? Because it happened so long ago it doesn’t have any bearing on your life. Whatever your illness, I can guarantee if you actually just became vegan, you would be fine. Like, bananas contain antioxidants, turmeric is a natural anti-inflammatory, and lavender can cure insomnia; you just need the right plant to help and you’ll be fine, trust me. However, if you think you need these tablets, just realise you are only extending the legacy of animal genocide.

Question: Dear Doctor, I’m a vegan myself, but I struggle feeling full sometimes, what sort of things should I eat to have a balanced diet? 

Answer: Hmmm, you don’t sound like a vegan. We all know vegans don’t bring up the fact that they’re vegans all the time, it’s a stereotype, but I’ll bite and pretend you are. Have you heard of a potato. Very filling, good carbohydrates. Avocado has loads of healthy fats. Nuts are packed with fat and protein, and Broccoli is just the MVP of the vegetable world. Like, it’s not hard to be a full Vegan. You have loads of stuff you can eat, like three whole isles worth of food. You’re only cutting out the other twenty aisles you see in a supermarket so I don’t see how you can be hungry. But yeah, just eat potatoes and you’ll be fine.

Question: Dear Doctor, I’ve recently become a vegetarian, but I’ve started becoming dizzy whenever I stand up or move quickly. Is this a side-effect of not eating meat? Does it go away?

Answer: Urghhh. Honey, you are not any better than the meat-eaters by being a ‘vegetarian’. You still condone the slaughter of male-chicks when you buy your eggs. That milk you drink is from a cow that’s going to end up in a slaughterhouse within the next couple of years. Let me guess, you still eat Haribo because gelatin is ‘too hard to give up’. As far as I’m concerned, you’re going to be dizzy until you really embrace the vegan lifestyle, and that means no animal products. Stop putting yourself first and actually go out there and make a difference rather than thinking you’re better than everyone else because you don’t eat meat despite still partaking in an unstable industry. If you’re still dizzy after that, then it’s the innocent animals lives you slaughter haunting your digestive system as animal ghosts.

Have any questions of your own? Email pause@wessexscene.co.uk to have your queries answered by our in-school professional.